The Ignorance of Youth

When I was a kid I loved these two girls who sat in front of me in Algebra. It's appropriate that I mention it now as I have a college algebra class I am just finishing. Oh, I love them so but I never got anywhere with them. It was just their looks I figured and everybody knows good looks so everybody like them. Who was I, really, to like them. Even a few years later I liked them and a friend of mine whom I think had caught on to my affection (I had lied about who I liked in 7th grade) once called them lesbians while I was walking home with him. Strange because I was known a lot as a queer in those days. I was just wondering why I didn't defend them. It's not that lesbianism is so bad but behind that maybe it was that they were mean and ill tempered. We all get mad, don't we? That's really something for us to deal with, that getting mad. I had a reputation on my block for that. Not in school (there I was a queer, remember) but on the block. I am sure I was afraid of my block rep getting into school. I was hated for my temper. I needed to get kids off my lawn and so forth. That was one main reason for my reputation as a hot head. I also got angry over ball and things like that. Who knows now? Who can remember? But, it makes one ugly this anger and I always hated to think of my girl friends angry. It is hard for us to understand the why of the anger. Maybe it's sexism, maybe it's competition. We don't want there to be a why, we just want the world to look at that ugliness that sweet Eddie has become and take note of how pretty we are. And so with the girls. But, if you do love them, shouldn't you defend their temperament? Shouldn't you stand up and say, no, they're nice. I would like to blame programming and conditioning but it is still blaming and avoiding the fact that I am responsible. Myself I only understand that in a cosmic way, as I am the Self, I am Consciousness and Bliss. There is no difference between myself  and chit or consciousness so how can there be blame? That's how I understand it. It's D.R.'s teaching but  you know he is a student of Vasishtha and of course, Baba and Gurumayi.