Addicted

Addicted to emotional pain. What is the antidote for that?
I can imagine experiencing a void while apparently happy.
That would be the addiction is existing, is alive and well
though. That would be a prelude to the negative emotions
reappearing.
Well, we can try some find and replace here. What if Christ
did reappear? I have been writing about these books I used
to "die for," the A.A. Bailey books. Predictions for the
reappearance of Christ from the 20's or so. Christ can only
appear from within I have now learned. Christ is the Self,
the inner Self, the immortal Self, the eternal Self. Christ
is Consciousness and Bliss.
Oh, I need the rent so bad. I need the rent and the utilities
and not having it makes me reflect on the past 33 years. Why
I had no work, why I let my mom support me, how it is that
no one apparently loves me enough anymore to spare $500 this
month, more for electric and overdue phone/net bills.
That's an addiction?
I have read about the Worry Addiction, too. An addiction? I
protested when TV was called an addiction. I guess I am suffering
the backlash for my television indulgences. I'm not part of the
"crowd," not cool, not anybody's friend.
I became so intent on finding a spiritual master and I finally
found Baba and Gurumayi but that hasn't led to friendship. I
am called a friend but I don't experience the friendship in a
recognizable way like phone calls, e-mails, visits, invites to
lunch, dinner, parties, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. Women don't
want to make love to me. There should be a big debate about
meditation and love. Don't know how many boys and girls thought
that agreeing to meditate with each other would lead to love, that
very night, but I knew it was an issue as boys made their advances
and girls rebuked them.
I don't even experience that as an issue anymore. I should be
grateful. Ah, love, and maybe some help with work and supporting
myself. That's real friendship to me. Real friends improve your lot
in life somehow. I was going to say improve you. I find the friends
I wanted to keep always did that. I am always happy to find someone
who is in agreement with me, as in the Siddha Yoga philosophy, etc.
Is that that addiction again, the negative emotions. I was getting
kind of high on the thoughts of my Siddha friends being more
friendly, e-mailing me, calling, paying visits and doing things for
me and then I killed it somehow.
Without realistic expectations I just feel like I am daydreaming and
I think others wonder why I never saw that before and scorn me for
it. I am not supposed to care what other people think either, am I?