I can't get anywhere with Ram today or D.R. that is. I needn't recount my difficulties but one Ram said in the previous Siddha Yoga course that we are not who we were, that person has died. My mind worked on this quite a lot. I didn't want to live in now. In now I would just start again anyway. But all the other people, they are not who they were and I counted on them being who they were. Maybe Americans, maybe Christians, friends, loved ones. Not who they were. Given what the samskaras were/are giving me, that was trouble to me. PROJECTIONS, yes, I know, but ... very serious projections. Like people wearing masks.
You know, I don't know if a paragraph should start here or not but I'm starting one anyway. I think one is necessary every now and then. You know, Halloween just passed. I used to have a Halloween costume that after a few years embarrassed me as it was kind of childish, there had been no "upgrade" you know. I sound very insecure saying you know so much, don't I? And I don't know if you know so I really am insecure. I used to go as THE DEVIL. I just saw a person I used to love who now looks like THE DEVIL to me.
But I can think on something serene. I don't know if it's eternal but it is serene. I am just walking down this road, actually up the road, and it is a sunny but cool day. Gurumayi appears above me, invisibly, but definitely present. I have been reading Dawn Horse Testament and Mayi absorbs, I guess the goodness, the truth in this book and refers to herself, or rather us, as Me. Dawn Horse Testament is a book of Truth written by Da Avabhasa (The Bright). In the first few pages, maybe the forward he/He speaks of how when we speak of within us and outside of us all of that is body reference. Inside the body, outside the body so the body's existence is given. He calls that a problem with all traditional yoga.
I think I had paid my last dollar of rent for the month and I was caught up on my electric so I was materially happy but I could not say it was an eternal happiness, not eternal serenity. My first thought is of church and the organs, the white robes, but I like the rock and roll you know so church music doesn't turn me on. I was reading of the (apparent) material happiness that Kula Kundalini, the Great Goddess who lives in the muladhara chakra at the base of the spine, destroys the (seemingly) great happiness of worldly existence, and pierces all the inner knots. It is in the Kundalini Stavah. I guess that is the Eternal. Beyond the seemingly great happiness of worldly existence.