I am obese. According to the BMI. I am at 31.7. Last summer I got down to 180. The summer before that my weight was up at 240 a lot of the time and I needed insulin for my diabetes. I am now at 221 but I get little exercise, don't have much of a social life. So, I eat a lot. And do homework. People fear social relationships seems to me. They don't want to get too close. They fear clinging and restrictions of their freedom, men talking about love and all that shit. I used to drink and smoke. I quit smoking 22 years ago. But I began to eat more and developed diabetes, type II. My weight then was 265. I got down to 205 but I think I owe some of that to the use of the controversial diabetes drug Rezulin. I don't know. I went back to school then, in 1999 and got weak in my dieting. It's hard to explain why. I would say some of it was lack of reward. Little applause. I got work then for the first time in a long time but I was very lonely, too, still just living with mom. Dad had died in 1992. Subconsciously I missed friends. Beyond the subconscious my 2 big brothers just never talked to me anymore. My mom used to call me her son as if I was the only son she had. I had not expected nor ever heard of this kind of divide in the family. I had hated my father and much of my father's large southern family. I had trouble in college staying with the present, the zen spirit. I reflected on a self that was overweight and not very handsome or intelligent. Although I was praised, I was not sure the praise was real. I had moved from New York to Florida, from the Burbs to the Farm and I wondered at the standards though if I had anybody seriously looking they would see I wasn't doing that damn well. lol Ah, well, on with it. Don't let this worry. I may lose some pounds again without the struggle I went through last summer working with two young black men who didn't take to all that Zen shit. Loved Jesus and the other loved Beer and the synthetic pot. It was difficult last year. Of late I got into it at the meditation center. I do think there was fear I was going to drag those black boys in there to meditate and some of those girls (almost all girls, one boy besides me, 21) wouldn't really dig it. Well, those guys wouldn't understand the protocols. It's hard to get people in there anyway but this one girl spoke to me about belching. I have that acid reflux and I think I had been taking Nexeum but they changed me over to generic Prilosec and I think I belch more with the later. I think the Nexeum was gentler and it irritated a younger woman that I belched often. So, I stopped going. It has made me blue and also made me think about what it really is I want from Siddha Yoga. Am I trying to impress people? What's the thing here I have been doing it for over 30 years. What do I want from it? So many arguments over it. But it's not about winning an argument. It's about what is inside me. What is inside of everyone. But especially me.
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