Friday, May 2, 2014

On Unemployment

People will not have you in their homes anymore. That makes you stay in a lot. When you are unemployed you have nowhere to go, nowhere to enjoy the company of others and that is very painful. That was the story for me for about 14 years, but of course it was not work as such that ended that. I started to become concerned about my resume. The concern started before Gurumayi, before Siddha Path and DARSHAN. I started with some community ed. classes. There was also a class on management and supervision which was taught as part of the continuing education program at the University of Florida. I frequently reflect on another course available then that was on health issues and how that might have helped me with my septuagenarian and later octogenarian mother. Master Charles has told me not to worry about that shit anymore. I know Ram has said that but its good to hear again.
I have work to do at Argosy now. I always worry about work that's due. I had thought that this work, a Power Point presentation of 10 slides, would be due on Saturday as the last week of class usually they turn around the discussion and paper, making the paper due first and usually Saturday and the discussion due Sunday. Well the discussion is still due Sunday with comments on classmates posts due by Wednesday last day of module (and now class) but the presentation is due Monday. How wonderful, two extra days to get this final paper which happens to be a presentation done. Glad about that. I have to present 2 treatment therapies for amphetamine addiction comorbid with alcoholism. Comorbid means to have other illness. Substance dependence is one illness and alcoholism the other. I remember the combining of the two. I knew an older woman that I loved who used the two. She had two young boys and a house in the burbs of Melbourne, Florida. I did speed once or twice in my first college year (I went to a community college so I don't call it my freshman year) so I know the experience. Some of the so called acid I got may also have either had speed in it or was only speed, I figure the former, speed or amphetamine as it is called in class was mixed with it.
Sometimes I just stop and get worried. Oh, better get over and get to doing that right away. It is very irritating. I usually get the work in anyway. What I worry about, the many pages the sources and the level of intelligence of the paper, gets done.
Baba's birthday is coming up. The Lunar on May 14th, the Solar on May 16th. Don't think I want to go to the center. I will take the only satsang which I believe is free but I don't want to go to Gainesville North Industrial Park or see Stefanie, the  little woman whose meditation is so disturbed by MY swallowing of air (belching) during satsang over several satsangs. Can you define satsang. Very important, never miss the opporunity. It means to be in the company of the Truth.
I have these large pictures that cost a lot of money that the center (or was that just Steffy) was willing to store for me since I lived only in my van but they (or is it just Stef) will not give it back. Bureaucracy, red tape. Only Steffy may help you with that. I swear I hate that name and I hate the way she says my name, EDDIE, like many people had to hear it. Does she do it because they once diagnosed me a schizophrenic or told me that I know not why. Say it loud so all my personalities can hear it. It makes one feel like a servant, not
a servant of God, but a servant of theirs and they have a long way to go to realize what they really are.
So, started my day with So'ham japa in meditation which I just do lying on my bed, not in the traditional sitting position, another FAULT of EDDIE'S. Last night I was fantasizing killing her, taking her name to be Tiffany (as in Sessions). Sessions with Stefany. She says she discussed my belching with whom I do not know and it was decided she should speak to me. She did, authoritatively, like a manager who could fire you. It seemed to me that the Shivaratri that this occurred at was her little shindig, a chance to prove what she could do given the opportunity. A variant speaker at the podium, a rather formal piece of furniture for people who wish to speak to a crowd (which there usually only means as little as 3 and as many as 10). That's Siddha Yoga though, that's how they do it. You will see it in a webcast. I would prefer a more classroom like environment. So, I belched. I also was not dressed like Siddha Yoga likes you to
dress. I've been through this since the Informal Center in 1991. You have to dress a certain way, no shorts. That goes for the ashram, too. No shorts. It is a rarefied air in Siddha Yoga. I try to do the work but some things are just hard to overlook, the serious attitude and yet the unserious attention to books and texts or talks. Sure, lots of people there are escaping the unfriendly confines of home and family life, fallings out with friends and unemployment or school failure and just don't have the time to be what we used to call friends. What were friends I am afraid are heading to what is known as drug addicts. I read so much about drug dependency and our need to get our substance and I remember smoking dope every day.  So, all the people who accepted my company and liked me, were they just drug addicts? Maybe a bit severe but I don't know. It's just the reading. I have heard that pot is stronger now than it ever was. I do go back and look and ask myself if I needed pot and why but would I have wanted to be that unpopular as to not smoke weed? Woe, that
would have been just too much for me.

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