Monday, July 16, 2012

Begging, I guess and Don't Let the Past Remind us of what We Are Not Now

Just posted to the Truth of the Present Moment about my need to make $32.42 by the 24th to pay my auto insurance. I also need $25 to get my license. It's funny, I found my birth certificate after getting Trinity Episcopal to get me one from New York City and my actual license popped up at St. Fancis the other day. The thing is I have to have the address changed on it, I think, and that would cost the same $25 it takes them to make the new license I've been in the process of obtaining.
I have all the documents.
I am also running out of food and gas. $20 left on the electonic benefits card and calculating how far I can go on the 5 dollar and the added $2.55 the other day. I've been told the van only gets 15 miles to the gallon. Doesn't that stink? And I don't know if that's highway or city. I certainly hope it's city and I have been surprised at how far I can go on less than Empty.
I don't like to, though. I am afraid of running out of gas and I ran out unexpectedly last week. Fortunately it was right in front of my living place.
Why can't I get a job? Here is a feeling I would like to overcome, that I am supposed to figure out why people make that my fault like jobs were growing on trees but I'm just too lazy or stupid to pick one. Lazy and stupid, I think. That my fellow men have such opinions of me. Does letting that bother me make me Gay? Gay is a big issue and has been. I remember being called Gay, a queer back then, when I was just 13 years old. I had unfortunately thought it would be a kick to take off my clothes in front of a school friend who was visiting my house. I just timed my shower right so that when he arrived I would be coming out. He was a friend I had known since I was 9. Neither of us had been able to land "steadies." We were kind of lonely in that respect. We had gone places together, to other towns to eat, mostly. We were both kind of weighty fellows. He more weighty than me although I did notice that he finished the mile run ahead of me in high school. Maybe he just didn't have the same alcoholic genes that I do. His father was a heavy man, he ate, he didn't drink. My father drank. He smoked as well. We even went to the World's Fair with my mom. We were close friends but when he disclosed my episode of flaunting my naked body about him at my house, that was the end of it. He was a nice kid. His mother was very attractive. He tended toward the bloody, gross views of things, maybe even a bit on the dark side. What a great horror movie he could make. I thought maybe he would tend to medicine but I don't think he did so well in school. Not necessarily so important as long as you do well at a community college and an upper division.
Don't know what has ever happened to him. His name was Glenn Bammon. He was an only child and friends with one of the smarter classmates in 4th grade, Chip Weiss. I would have made friends with Chip but he was too diligent needing to get his homework done. It was just part of walking "the path" home from school. Chip went one way after the path and I went another. Glenn could walk further and then cut through a yard to his house. I don't have such bad feelings about it.

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